Stones

Stones... Asking me to look for something every day to make me smile or see the joy in a month that gave little cause to smile or feel joy... in this, such a sad month for my family and me.

Cleaning...Stones

Having time to myself as Fish Whisperer takes Dimples off for the day, I use the time to clean the house. I would rather take a nap, read a book, play on the Internet... But I use the time to clean and scrub like I cannot when Dimples wants to "help" so badly and I hurry through the task as quick as I can.

Sharing...Stones

Dimples mooching ice cream from me after she finished her mothers.

New Things Learned... Stones

Today I observed, listened to and sang with Dimples as she sang The Alphabet song for at least 20 minutes straight. One by one she added the "D" "E" "J" and "K" as well as the lyrics at the end that have been missing from her song. She showed great delight in herself when she got it right. The world opening to a child is a magical thing.

Water...Stone

The icy cold, sweet water that comes from my well rather than warm, city water.

Solace vs. Sorrow... Stones

Finding solace in the tears brought on by sorrow as the memories begin to flood my mind and the realization I won't see her in this life again becomes real.

Sleep.

I gave in to the escapist, I'm emotionally drained, tired of traveling and finally in my own bed so I'm going to sleep all day day to recover kind of sleep.

It was awesome.

Simply Personal... Stones

How delightful to have a hot bath in my own tub that's in my own bathroom using my own towels.

Dust Bunnies of Life

There is so much in our daily lives that takes up our energy, our actions, our thoughts, our worries, our concern, our free time and not so free time, our own time and other's time that has no value at all in the end. Most of it won't matter in a week, a month, a year or five years. There are simply better things or ways to be spending 90% of my free time and probably at least 50% of my not so free time. I kNOW there is. I waste it worrying and questioning, being angry or annoyed, hurt or feeling sorry for myself. It needs to stop.

I'm not going to spend a lot of time on introspection because that will simply lead to a lot of worry and anger, guilt and self-flagellation, self-talking and justification all of which wil result in wasting a great deal of that 90% of time I'm talking about in the first place.

What needs to happen is less time spent playing on my iPad and more time playing on the floor with Dimples. Less time spent reading novels, more time spent reading my scriptures. Less time watching TV, (even if it is toddler TV) more time knitting, less time complaining, more time on the phone with my dad. Less time talking/complainging to myself about how hard my life is and more time talking to my Father about how good it is. The only way to make a change in your life is to make a change in your life.

There is so much wasted time and energy on the useless, meaningless fluff offered by life. I'm want to clean some of the fluff from under the bed of my life.

Almost Home...Stones.

The state line "Welcome to Montana" sign. I'm closer to home.

Reassurance...Stones

Tears on my father's face as he assures me he'll be okay as I hug him yet again before I leave to head back home.

Traveling... Stones

The car is packed to bursting. Some of my mother's things travel with me. A day farther away from my dad. A day closer to my love.

Compassion...stones

Tuesday Eric and Lucy, the young couple across the street bring a handmade basket of canned soups, muffins, cookies, crackers, cheese, practical things, knowing he won't remember to cook when we leave. Eric's father passed on Sunday, two days after mom. So much sorrow. So much beauty. So much love for the old man across the street who lost his wife.

Dimples and Laundry....Stones

Today Dimples 'helped' her Nana by carefully folding the hand towels and pillow cases into wadded up little balls. When she finished with one she would bring it to me and declare it, "Perfect!" Then she for the next one.

Cooking... Stones

I cooked a pork roast for my dad and daughter today. Nervous because I've never cooked one before. It was my favorite thing to have my mom cook and her's was the best in the world. Curly Top said it was really good and took a second serving, she doesn't even like pork roast. Dad took seconds too and said it was as good as Mom's. Even if it wasn't true, it was nice of him to say so unsolicited. Better yet it was good to see him eat a balanced meal finally. There is beauty in knowing that the simple act of eating means his healing has begun.

Small Stains....Stone

Today while sorting through her closets and drawers to donate her clothing, I discovered a small coffee stain on a nightgown. This brought to mind the memory of her sitting in bed, slopping coffee and cursing as she sopped it up with a paper towel, commenting that she was always doing that. I smiled at the memory, folded the stained gown, and put it in my suitcase.

Passing... Stones

The sorrow of her passing is tempered
By the peace on her pain free face.
By the knowledge she is in a better place
Excited by the reunion with her parents.
And the wonder of paradise.

It's hard to find beauty in the hospital room your mother is dying in,
Until I look to memorize the beauty of her face, aged and tired it may be,
And to hear the love in her voice when she says the last time
Before she loses the ability to speak,
"I love you too, honey. I'll be waiting for you."
The beauty of my Mother's love surpasses all beauty today.

Full Moon....Stone

When the Harvest Moon rides the horizon,
It look like a giant fluorescent sticker.

Hospice...Stone

Hospice.
A word that conjures fear.
An answer 
Finally given,
Not the one you want to hear.

Hospice.
It's all done, the decisions made,
And everyone's
agreed
But I'm getting more afraid.

Hospice.
I want you to be out of pain
I'm feeling so
Conflicted,
I know I'll want you near again.

Hospice.
They'll watch you and they'll fuss,
You'll have
Your dignity
Until you finally leave us.

Hospice.
I miss you already, Mom. 
I will miss you always.
I love you.
♥
I will always love you.

The Mudane made fun... Stone

A parking garage. So common. But wondrous to Dimples as she discovers her voice echos for the first time. Trying different sounds and pitch, squealing as the sound comes back. As we leave the 5 story garage, driving down the circular exit ramp, "It's like a slide Mommy! A slide for cars! I LIKE it! It's fun!" When did I lose the ability to experience the fun in making echos in cement garages and seeing fun slides for cars in parking ramps? Life is full of fun if we remember to look through the eyes of the child that still lives within us somewhere. Let her loose, give her permission to not be embarrassed to look silly and have fun!

Spring Will Return...Stone

Brown field after brown field driving through Eastern Montana. Then two freshly turned fields with dark rich earth. A reminder that Spring will return.

Windy... Stones

As the wind comes roaring down from the mountain peaks into this little valley slamming against my bedroom wall with enough force to rattle the bed I'm laying on, I'm amazed how much shelter a few sticks and nails provide. And I'm grateful.

Wheels in Motion... Stones

The road noise while driving was making me insane...then suddenly all conditions were perfect, the warm winter rays coming through the window combined with the wheels on the car going round and round and I find myself slipping into an unexpected car trip nap.

Music Soothes the Soul.... Stones

Listening to some soothing 12 string Spanish guitar mingled with sweet, quiet vocals of Celtic music calms the most troubled heart and mind, allowing the answers to troubling questions to come.

Slipping... Stones

He listened...
And looked at me
With understanding.
He's felt this before
When his own dear mother,
Started slowly slipping away.

Take Time To Play Stones

When there are blocks scattered all over the living room floor... again, if I just get on the floor and build a castle with my little princess, like magic they no longer seem to be taking over the house.

I'm going to put effort into seeing the everyday in my life in a different way... By changing my view of my world I can indeed change my world.

My First Small Stones.

I haven't slept yet, so in my twisted little mind, it's still New Year's Day... Here goes, my first small stones, a continuation of Thanksgiving reflections...

As I looked at the large picture window in my living room, lamenting, again, the almost solid pattern of little hand prints about 15" up from the sill, wondering if I would ever be able to keep that window clean again... I wondered at how quickly my daughter became 36... How it was possible I am 56, and how my mother, who was laying in ICU just two days earlier in Minnesota could possibly be 78. I realized that every hand print on the window was a precious indicator of my grandaughter's growth, her intelligence and curiosity about the world around her and that all to soon she would no longer be two, but grown and gone. The messy window isn't important, but the hands that made all those prints... They are my world right now.

Here we go...

I thought I'd give this a try... It should be a heck of a ride.